Despite being a couple of hours late (it’s 2am), it’s Christmas. For those of you who celebrate the holiday, you know how stressful and chaotic, yet equally wonderful the holiday season can be. I’m not one of those people this year.

There was no Christmas for us this year. I don’t want to go into a long drawn out post about my family’s relentless fighting- just note that my mother decided there will be no Christmas. Aside from feeling like the Kranks, Scrooge, or the Grinch, I feel a pain of loneliness.

Holidays always get me to thinking about my future. I have a huge decision to make when I come out if there is an air of disapproval- do I cut my losses and move on, or do I salvage what I can? I’m never sure what my choice will be, but nonetheless, this is something I spend hours thinking about during every holiday. I spent today thinking about that phrase we’ve all heard- “Friends are family we choose”. How true that is.

Many individuals in the queer community go through family troubles and rely heavily on their friends to fill that void. I’m almost confident I will be doing the same, as my family seems to be non-existent. I’m just sort of in my self-created limbo right now, having made absolutely no effort in building my own family since moving back home in May. I crave independence. I think the thing I resent most about this year is not having a choice. My family made this decision and I couldn’t do anything about it.

I’m an extrovert, so my current lifestyle is starting to take it’s toll. Luckily I begin my career next month. A steady income will allow me to create my own life- to achieve independence. I hope to build a community of friends who become my family. I want so desperately to find support and people to love who unconditionally accept me.

This was a sad and lonely post. I’m tempted to delete it, but I also know that this is honest. Deleting this will be my way of covering up my emotions, indirectly reassuring to myself that it is okay. When things are “okay”, we do nothing to change.

I have every intention of celebrating New Years, however, my friends are sluggish in getting back to me with plans. If that is the case, I will probably head out on my own because I refuse to start off the New Year doing exactly what I’m complaining about now. Figuring out transportation might be an issue, but I will succeed. I hate to be symbolic, and I could start today, but in a few days, I will begin my journey to creating my ideal life. I’m using the next few days to finalize my goals to ensure this will happen. And despite my wish to delete this very depressing and unfocused post, I’m going to let it linger as a reminder of where I was and how much it sucks.

On a less selfish note, I hope everyone had an enjoyable holiday!

 

 


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